


Bethlehem, A Starry Night, 1 BC

by TheKnittingJedi



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Bible references, Crack, Crowley is soft for kids, First Christmas, Gen, Humor, Missing Scene, Script Format, an arrangement if you will, and a few shepherds, aziraphale gets a little overenthusiastic, deleted scene from episode 3, goswapgift, historical meeting, joseph also makes an appearance, nativity, technically they spend christmas together, this is all neil gaiman's fault, where they meet a few people and also make a deal of sorts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-26 18:14:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21672823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheKnittingJedi/pseuds/TheKnittingJedi
Summary: It's a sunny day in Judaea and an angel wants to make sure everything is ready for the birth of a very important child.A demon is there to thwart him... or maybe help could come from an unexpected place.
Comments: 22
Kudos: 67
Collections: Aziraphale's Library Festive Fic Recs, Good Omens Holiday Swap 2019





	Bethlehem, A Starry Night, 1 BC

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kototyph](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kototyph/gifts).



> Hi, dear recipient! 
> 
> I hope you like what I’ve made of two of your prompts (a historical meeting and a Christmas-themed fic). This is also inspired by [this post](https://neil-gaiman.tumblr.com/post/188009708391/hey-i-know-this-is-short-notice-but-could-you) by Neil Gaiman. And, because it works as a deleted scene from episode 3, it’s in script form.
> 
> Thank you to @TheGan, the best beta anyone could ask for.

01 EXT. BETHLEHEM — DAY — 1 BC

TITLE CARD: **BETHLEHEM, 1 BC**

_It’s a sunny day in Judaea. The little town of Bethlehem is bustling with activity: people go to and fro, merchants are busy selling their wares, travellers ask for directions. People’s clothes range from the finest, flowy fabric to the most humble and practical of attires. Some of them are looking at expensive jewellery, others haggle for a goatskin of water._

_We zoom in until we see the doorway of a building which a very visible and somewhat anachronistic sign clearly identifies as AN INN. On its doorway stands the angel AZIRAPHALE, who, dressed in a simple white robe, is shooing away potential guests with a winning smile._

AZIRAPHALE  
Terribly sorry, good people, no vacancies here today. Better luck next village! I’ve heard very good things about Old Hezekiah’s inn, there!

TRAVELLER #1  
But we came here all the way from Cana for the census!

AZIRAPHALE  
_(still smiling)_  
I am afraid there’s nothing that can be done.

TRAVELLER #2  
Well, you’ve heard it, nothing to be done. Let’s go, Josiah.

CROWLEY  
Have you started a new career as an innkeeper, or is there something going on I don’t know about?

_Dressed in very fancy black robes, with a golden band on his head, arms and ankles crossed, CROWLEY is leaning on the wall of the inn behind Aziraphale, with the look of someone who has been here for a while._

AZIRAPHALE  
Oh, good Lo— I mean, Crawly! What are you doing here?

CROWLEY  
I could ask you the same question.

AZIRAPHALE  
Is there a particular reason for your… fashion choices?

CROWLEY  
Oh, you noticed! Yes, actually, but I can’t stay and tell you about it. Very important business to conduct. What about you? Are you considering a career change in hospitality?

AZIRAPHALE  
Oh, I didn’t buy the inn, if that’s what you mean. I only booked all the rooms, to make sure that the…

_Aziraphale stops, apparently remembering who he is talking to._

AZIRAPHALE (CONT’D)  
But didn’t you say you were busy? Don’t let me keep you, then.

CROWLEY  
See you soon.

AZIRAPHALE  
That’s ominous, coming from you.

CROWLEY  
We have no choice, angel, there’s a grand total of four buildings in this place.

_Uncrossing his limbs and pushing away from the wall, Crowley waves and goes away. Aziraphale hesitates for a few seconds, then follows him._

02 INT. TAVERN — DAY

CROWLEY  
_(to the barkeep)_ _  
_ A jug of the best you have.

_He points behind him, where Aziraphale is trying — and failing — to enter the tavern inconspicuously._

CROWLEY (CONT’D)  
Make it two, one for me and one for my friend.

_Aziraphale joins him at the table as the innkeeper deposits two earthen jugs in front of them._

AZIRAPHALE  
_(to the barkeep, who’s not even listening to him)_ _  
_ We’re just acquaintances. Thank you.  
_(to Crowley)_ _  
_ Now, what mischief are you up to? And don’t pull the wool over my eyes, there’s no way your side doesn’t know what is supposed to happen tonight.

CROWLEY  
Relax, angel, have a drink. I’m not here to sabotage the “Plan”, or any plan, really. I was just passing by and decided to take a short detour. A vacation, if you will.

AZIRAPHALE  
Demons don’t take vacations.

CROWLEY  
_(deadpan)_ _  
_ How could you possibly know?

AZIRAPHALE  
Even if they did, you can’t expect me to believe that your choice of place and time for this “vacation” is just fortuitous happenstance.

CROWLEY  
It’s quite pleasant here, though, isn’t it?

AZIRAPHALE  
You know, it actually is. Too bad it gets so chilly at night, otherwise it’d be a nice spo… Oh, I see what you did there. Don’t change the subject.

CROWLE  
_Fine_ , if you insist. I’m here to see what all the fuss is about. That’s it, I swear. Happy?

AZIRAPHALE  
Is your side really not trying to sabotage this?

CROWLEY  
Just between us, my money is on them waiting for the kid to be a bit older. And you know I don’t hurt kids.

AZIRAPHALE  
_(toying with his jug)_ _  
_ Fine. I’d be more comfortable if you didn’t get out of my sight, though.

CROWLEY  
I’ll stick to you like a burr on a very hairy dog. Also there’s a guy here who knows me and I cannot let him recognize me.

AZIRAPHALE  
What? Why?

CROWLEY  
I… may have appeared to him. In, well… a dream.

AZIRAPHALE  
You did _what_?

CROWLEY  
Of course it wasn’t a dream-dream. But a stranger pops up out of nowhere at night, surrounded by light, and when you start screaming he tells you: “Oi, don’t be afraid”. What is a human going to think? That they should quit drinking or that they’re dreaming.

AZIRAPHALE  
_(sputtering, bewildered by the amount of outlandish information)_ _  
_ Surrounded by… Crawly, did you disguise yourself as an angel?

CROWLEY  
_(throwing his hands in the air)_ _  
_ The moon was very bright behind my back, it wasn’t my fault.

AZIRAPHALE  
_(taking a swig from his jug, with the look of someone who really needs alcohol)_ _  
_ I probably shouldn’t ask, but… why did you do that?

CROWLEY  
I was supposed to tell something awful about his wife to the guy and make him leave her. He’d had a few too many, after all. He’d had suspicions about the way his wife got pregnant, you see. Anyway, I suppose he got it all backwards, because they are still together. Downstairs wasn’t very happy.

AZIRAPHALE  
Oh, I am… well, as sorry as I can be, given the circumstances.

CROWLEY  
Don’t sweat it, angel. Anyway, if he recognizes me, he’d ask me to explain the whole thing to him again and I’d rather not. But what about you? I spilled the beans. Tell me about this inn business.

AZIRAPHALE  
Oh, well, I suppose I got a little excited when I heard that tonight’s the night. So I booked all the rooms in the inn to make sure the family will have a comfortable place to stay.

CROWLEY  
Smart.

_The camera pans out as they keep talking and drinking, until it’s clear from the dimming light outside that a few hours have passed._

CROWLEY  
… and sundials, of course, don’t work at night, so you have no way to tell what time it is.

AZIRAPHALE  
_(freezing with his jug in mid-air)_ _  
_ Oh, bugger. What time is it?

CROWLEY  
That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, there’s no way of knowing. What? Why?

AZIRAPHALE  
Oh. Oh, no, no. I have to go.

CROWLEY  
Wait, angel…

_Aziraphale dashes away, leaving Crowley looking at him, elbows on the table._

CROWLEY  
So much for not letting me out of sight.

03 INT. STABLE — NIGHT

_We hear MARY screaming in pain before we can see her, sitting on a hay bale with her back propped up by JOSEPH, her husband, who has a deeply put-upon expression. She looks very young and he looks very lost. Crowley is also there._

CROWLEY  
_(in a slightly panicked but determined tone of voice)_ _  
_ Now, Mary, if you could just try to breathe… 

MARY  
I am breathing, you fool!

JOSEPH  
Please excuse her, we’ve been having a rough couple of days. First we find out we need to go all the way here from Galilee…

MARY  
Because _someone_ couldn’t be bothered to see if we could do our paperwork in Nazareth until the last minute, right, dear husband?

JOSEPH  
… and then they send us here from the inn because there are no rooms available.

CROWLEY  
Uh. I wonder how _that_ happened. I thought that…

AZIRAPHALE  
_(out of breath, slamming open the stable’s door)_ _  
_ Hail, Mary! Do not be a… Oh, this is just _perfect_. What are _you_ doing here, Crawly?

CROWLEY  
Wh— I—- Helping! Since no one else was here to do it!

AZIRAPHALE  
_(looking reproachfully at the couple)_ _  
_ And you, too. What are you doing here, in a stable, instead of the inn? Is this your doing, Crawly?

CROWLEY  
Someone was just telling me how all the rooms in the inn were already taken. Now, whose fault do you think that is, angel?

_Aziraphale, who has been wagging his finger all along, stops as the full understanding of the situation sinks in._

CROWLEY  
Exactly. Now, if you are going to…

_He’s interrupted by Mary screaming._

CROWLEY (CONT’D)  
_(screaming louder)_ _  
_ … help me out with this, we can still make sure everything turns out all right!

JOSEPH  
_(muttering to himself)_ _  
_ … should have known, I should have known. Nothing is ever straightforward that involves apparitions and angels…

AZIRAPHALE  
Hold on just a moment, what are you talking about?

CROWLEY  
I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by that.

AZIRAPHALE  
Wait, the wife, the trouble… Crawly, is this the man you were mentioning before? The one you…?

CROWLEY  
Why don’t you scream it for the whole world to hear?

AZIRAPHALE  
_(after a short consideration, to Joseph)_ _  
_ Listen, my dear fellow, why don’t you go fetch… some warm water and a couple of towels?

JOSEPH  
Will those help?

AZIRAPHALE  
Please don’t question my judgement. Now go.

_A little lost, Joseph nonetheless kisses Mary’s brown and goes out into the night._

CROWLEY  
I hope we don’t start a new trend.

_Mary screams again._

AZIRAPHALE  
_(to himself)_ _  
_ Oh, dear.  
_(to Mary)_ _  
_ Do not fret, sweetheart, everything is going to go absolutely fine. Shipshape. Perfectly tip-top.

CROWLEY  
We definitely know what we are doing.

AZIRAPHALE  
_(sotto voce)_ _  
_ Was that really necessary?

CROWLEY  
Don’t look at me, I’m not the one who deprived her of a roof over her head.

AZIRAPHALE  
_(louder)_ _  
_ She has a perfectly good ro— Listen, this is not the time to bicker. Just… go bother someone else while I deliver this baby.

CROWLEY  
Don’t be daft, you big ox. I was here first, _you_ need _my_ help.

AZIRAPHALE  
If you must know, I had a very important assignment, a serious business to conduct with some sh…

MARY  
_(interrupting)_ _  
_ Oi, you two! 

_They both turn._

MARY (CONT’D)  
_(interrupting for the occasional scream)_ _  
_ I don’t have a clue who you are, but if you don’t shut up right this minute, I will get up and kick you both out of here, baby or no baby. Where’s my husband?

AZIRAPHALE  
_(looking chastised)_ _  
_ He will be back soon, no doubt.

CROWLEY  
_(to Aziraphale)_ _  
_ Are we doing this or not, angel?

AZIRAPHALE  
Fine, you stubborn ass.  
_(whispering)_ _  
_ Do you even know the first thing about childbirth?

CROWLEY  
_(at the same volume)_ _  
_ Not a clue. But I figured out the mating bit, after the thing with the unicorn.

AZIRAPHALE  
That is remarkable, though not very helpful, in this circumstance.

CROWLEY  
_(shrugging)_ _  
_ You’re stuck with me anyway, 'm afraid.

AZIRAPHALE  
_(to Mary)_ _  
_ You're in excellent hands, my dear. Don't be afraid.

MARY  
What's with angels and this "don't be afraid" business?! Makes no sense! If I wasn’t afraid to begin with, I’d start wondering if I should be!

_The angel and the demon are dumbstruck. Crowley recovers first._

CROWLEY  
I like her.

AZIRAPHALE  
I think there's been a misunderstanding of sorts…

MARY  
Oh, _please_. You couldn't be more obvious. We've a track record with angels and suchlike, in this family. Now, if you please, I am trying to have this baby.

04 EXT. STABLE — NIGHT

_A shot of the stable’s exterior. A lovely STARRY SKY is the centerpiece; in the middle of it, right above the roof, a COMET._

_Returning with a handful of linens is Joseph, followed by a couple of SHEPHERDS who hold between them a big metal bowl full of water; coils of steam rise in the chilly air. MORE SHEPHERDS follow._

_Not far from the stable door, Crowley and Aziraphale are sitting together, seemingly resting._

JOSEPH  
Hello?

AZIRAPHALE  
_(getting up, followed a few seconds later by Crowley)_ _  
_ Oh, here you are. Don’t be afraid! The baby and Mary are both fine.

CROWLEY  
_(deeply sarcastic)_ _  
_ Yeah, no fear whatsoever. Who knew that delivering babies was so easy? I can see me doing it a couple times more.

JOSEPH  
_(hesitant, but taking it all at face value)_ _  
_ I have brought what you asked, with the help of these good shepherds. They said they were going to come here anyway.

_Aziraphale glances towards the shepherds and immediately tries to hide, taking a step behind Crowley._

CROWLEY  
What are you doing?

AZIRAPHALE  
_(whispering)_ _  
_ Shhh! Those shepherds came here because I appeared to them earlier and brought them up to date about tonight. You know the assignment I was talking about before?

CROWLEY  
I see.  
_(to the shepherds and Joseph, pointing towards the door with a flourish)_ _  
_ Well, gentlemen, you are welcome to worship at your leisure.  
_(holding Joseph’s sleeve as he passes)_ _  
_ Not you. Wait a second.

_Crowley whispers something into Joseph’s ear, then they look at each other._

CROWLEY (CONT'D)  
Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. He’s bad news.

JOSEPH  
_(uncertain)_ _  
_ Herod? O-our king? If he is prepared to do something like that, then…

CROWLEY  
He is, believe me. Bad news, that one. I hear Egypt is really nice, this time of year.

JOSEPH  
Then we will leave.  
_(solemnly)_ _  
_ I thank thee, messenger of Heaven.

_He leaves, leaving Crowley and Aziraphale alone._

AZIRAPHALE  
And that makes it… what? Three times you’ve been mistaken for an angel?

CROWLEY  
_(grumbling)_ _  
_ Perhaps that’s for the best. If a righteous fear of God is what it takes for them to get the Heaven out of here, I’m not complaining. As long as downstairs doesn't get wind of it.

AZIRAPHALE  
I'm not telling if you aren't. Are you sure you won’t get in trouble?

CROWLEY  
I’ll do my paperwork and say that an angel warned them. Now that I mention it, I think I saw one of them going about, being glorious to the shepherds.

_A chilly wind rises. Crowley shivers. Aziraphale materializes one of Joseph’s blankets in his hands and puts it on his shoulders._

AZIRAPHALE  
So. Herod. Heard he’s bad news. It would be a pity if someone thwarted his plans, whatever they may be.

CROWLEY  
_(grim)_ _  
_ He wants to kill them, angel. All the kids. Because some nutjob told him that his usurper would be born tonight.

_There’s a long-ish silence._

AZIRAPHALE  
If someone were to tell him that his orders had been carried out…

CROWLEY  
I’m listening.

AZIRAPHALE  
But someone else were to actually keep the soldiers from carrying them out…

CROWLEY  
Mmm. Lie to a king. I’m sure I can do that.

AZIRAPHALE  
And I could save some innocent souls, since I’m already here.

CROWLEY  
It’s a deal, then.

AZIRAPHALE  
Let’s not get carried away. “Deal.” It’s barely been a conversation.

CROWLEY  
Looked like a proper arrangement to me, but suit yourself.

_They stand about a little more, both looking at the sky, where the comet is still passing by, bright and wondrous._

AZIRAPHALE  
Are you going to stick around?

CROWLEY  
You mean now or in the years to come?

AZIRAPHALE  
Let’s start with tonight. We delivered a baby, after all. A very important baby. Anyone would say that the occasion deserves to be celebrated, don’t you agree?

CROWLEY  
Why not. Drinks are on you, this time.

AZIRAPHALE  
Oh, you’re right, I left you with the tab, didn’t I? How awfully rude of me. Drinks are definitely on me.

**Author's Note:**

> [This post](https://twitter.com/neilhimself/status/1191248663940599809?s=20) could be helpful in understanding the unicorn reference.
> 
> Come say hi on [Tumblr](https://mllekurtz.tumblr.com)!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Then I Saw Him in the Crowd](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23476879) by [saretton](https://archiveofourown.org/users/saretton/pseuds/saretton)




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